Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
