Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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