When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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