Do you still have your period?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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