I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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