insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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