took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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