His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
