He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
