literally had 100 drinks last night.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
