Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
