Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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