last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
