I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize