omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
