If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Sober January is a disaster.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
