Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
