one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
