i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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