i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize