shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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