i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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