remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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