I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
organizing the empties. That sober.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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