I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize