We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
