There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
