either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
