im six kinds of drunk right now
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
