just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
