There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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