you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
