You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
