My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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