New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
