oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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