why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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