I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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