One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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