mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
