you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize