i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
