Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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