3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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