im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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