This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
