i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
