If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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