I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As shirtless as possible
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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