also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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