She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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