I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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