iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
