So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She needs sedatives and a leash
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
