I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
