shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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